The Treasure Chest Of Hot, Spicy Ninja Love

By – Bay and Sarah, 7^th Grade

In the land of the Rising Sun, there was once a young warrior by the name of Teriyaki Saki. However, he was not an ordinary ninja. He was ‘special’. At least, that’s what his mother, Charlene Norris, had said. For Teriyaki had no legs. Only stubs. So, he was basically a freak of nature because his arms were longer than his body. He resembled a monkey.

            Although he was disabled, Teriyaki was determined to be the best ninja he could be. So, he trained himself to fight using an alternate weapon. Not his fists, but his tongue. Yes, with his unnaturally long tongue, Teriyaki could fight like the ninja masters, such as his father, Jackie Chan. So, he lived on a mountain top in his own private dojo, where he trained constantly for no real reason. Just waiting for someone to come and see his awesome skills. He never really understood why he was always training; it was just part of his ninja instinct.

            On the other side of the world, however, in the ocean to be precise, there was an equally special person. Her name was Angelina. She was a pirate on the ship S.S. Dreamer. She had long, wavy brown hair, and she was fond of wearing a skull bandana. And she had an eye patch, because it was customary for the pirate daddies to stab out one of their baby’s eyes and give them an eye patch, otherwise they wouldn’t be a real pirate. She was a great pirate. She was the fastest one to hoist the sails, and had great skill with balancing on a peg leg. She was also a very good swordswoman. But, despite all her talents, Angelina was very fat. She had been since she was a child, and struggled with her weight. She had tried Pirate Weight Watchers (‘We arrr gonna lose weight, mateys!’ was their motto) and it had failed miserably. She gained 50 pounds from it. Then, a friend recommended the Pirate Master O’ Weight – Jenny Craig. After a brief visit, Jenny had run out of the room screaming her head off, for Angelina filled the room like a tub of Jello. But, ignoring her disgusting mass, there was one thing that set Angelina apart from all the other pirates.

            She… was parrot-less. Along with the eye-stabbing, it was an ancient pirate tradition to have many different parrots placed in front of the child once it was 4 years old, and the parrot that the pirate was destined to own would pick the child. But, when it was time for Angelina to be picked by a parrot, none flew. And one, in fact, died. It was very old and had cancer. And with the added stress of seeing Angelina’s blubber, it was afraid that it would be eaten, and promptly died of shock. The other parrots all committed suicide by jumping off the boat and getting eaten by sharks. So, Angelina had no parrot.

            To become a real pirate, you had to have a parrot. She was shunned by the parroted pirates, and was only a deckhand due to her lack of a bird. She did the dirty work, such as swabbing the deck and cleaning the poopdeck.

            Soon, these two souls would meet. But of course, they didn’t know that at the time. It all began with three fateful words.

            “SWEET SESAME SHITAKE!” The Ninja Lord, Mojo Jojo, screeched.

            Spitting out his Ninja-O’s (part of a kung-fu breakfast! HI-YA!), he stared angrily at the piece of parchment in his hand. The messenger before him cowered in fear. He prayed that he would not be killed for bringing this message of doom.

            “What do you mean, they’ve gone missing?!” Mojo Jojo shouted, jumping up on his desk and pounding his fists on his hairy chest.

            “THEY’RE FRICKIN’ NINJAS! THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE UNSTOPPABLE!” He screamed. The messenger flinched.

            “I don’t know! They were supposed to send in a progress report after a few days of spying on the pirates, but we never received it! All we got was this message!” The messenger squawked.

            Mojo Jojo stroked his invisible beard. He thought hard. How was this possible? Those were his finest warriors! This had to be some sort of trick…

            “Where exactly did the message come from?” He inquired, peeling a banana as he did so. Gotta get those potassium rates up, otherwise you can’t do kung-fu!

            “Um, we’re not sure, but we believe it originated around the pirate’s head of operation – the mother ship, S.S. Dreamer.” The messenger shrugged, adjusting his hat. It was a cute blue hat with Hello Kitty on it. All those below ninja rank were required to wear them. It was the law of the Ninja Clan.

            “Hm... that is all the information I need. Thank you… um, messenger... man.”  Mojo Jojo said, scratching his hairy head as he looked down at the message.

            “You’re welcome… sir…” The messenger, whose name happened to be Jerry, said as he slunk out of the room.

            Mojo Jojo thought hard. He knew this had to be from one person and one person only. Captain Feathersword, the Pirate lord.

            Meanwhile, on the S.S. Dreamer, the pirate captain, Captain Feathersword, was chuckling over a plate of grub that his loving wife, Dorothy the Dinosaur, had prepared.

            “This is the best day of my life!” He laughed, and threw a knife over at the captive ninjas that were chained up in the corner.

            “You’ll never get away with this!” One of the elite cried, tugging at his chains.

            “Ha, that’s what they all say! Now, silence, you chopstick-using freaks! I must eat my dinner!” Captain Feathersword snapped, and proceeded in downing his grub, washing it down with some rum.

            “But, wait…” One of the younger ninjas whispered to the others, using the special ninja technique of Silent Whispers to evade the ears of the pirate captain.

            “We’re ninjas, you guys! Shouldn’t we be able to, like, escape from these things, and kill Captain Feathersword in the process?” There was an awkward silence after this, although to Captain Feathersword, it all sounded like silence, because the ninjas were just that good. Then, the girliest ninja, named Adam Lambert, said,

            “But, like, these chains are, like, totally destroying my ninja powers! Like WHAAA!” At this point, Adam Lambert began to sing in his high-pitched goosebumpity voice. The other ninjas covered their ears, a feat somehow accomplished despite their chains. Because they were ninjas, they could take logic and karate chop it like a piece of wood.

            “God, save it for Ninja Idol, dude!” One of the ninjas groaned. Captain Feathersword munched loudly on his grub in the background. “Dorothy, get me more rum!”

            “I’m sending it up with Angelina, honey.” Dorothy called with an exaggerated sigh. Life as a pirate wife was hard.

            Then, with a colossal BOOM, the ground began to rattle. The ninjas glanced around frantically.

            “Oh, God, what is that?!” The youngest ninja shouted, as the rumbling got louder.

            The wood began to splinter beneath them, and Adam Lambert panicked.

            “HOLY SHITAKE! IT’S AN EARTHQUAKE!” He screeched, and began singing a sad song to commemorate his death.

            “ALL AROUND ME ARE FAMILIAR FAAACCESS, WORN OUT PLAAAACES, WORN OUT FAAACCEEESSSS…” He warbled, causing some of the other ninja’s ears to begin bleeding.

            “DADDY!” An even higher pitched voice than Adam’s squealed. And then, it was like a flood.

            Angelina oozed into the room, her gelatinous flab coating the wooden surfaces like glue. Adam began to scream.

            “OH MY GOD! MY FACE! IT BURNS! THE FAT IS DESTROYING MY VOCAL CORDS!” And, with a shudder, he fainted.

            “Howdy, y’all!” Angelina said, waving a chubby, baby whale-sized hand at the three conscious ninjas.

            “Honey, we don’t say that, remember? That’s for the cowboys. We say, ‘Arrrr, matey!’” Captain Feathersword chastised. Angelina nodded.

            “I mean – arrr, y’all!” Captain Feathersword sighed.

            “We’ll work on this another time. Anyways, where’s my rum?!” He barked.

            “Right here, Daddy!” Angelina said, digging in her folds for the bottle, tossing out a small plane and a half-dead goat as she did so. The goat landed on Adam Lambert.

            Meanwhile, in the depths of Tokyo, there sat Teriyaki Saki, in his ninja dojo. Sitting in his wheelchair, he hummed quietly. He was meditating.

            Then, suddenly, the door to the dojo creaked open. Teriyaki’s eyes snapped open.

            “Who goes there?!” He cried, brandishing his tongue.

            A dark form leapt into the air, and Teriyaki lashed out at it with his tongue, bringing the figure crashing to the ground, where it began to laugh.

            “As powerful as ever, Teriyaki.” And then, Mojo Jojo rose from the floor.

            “Oh, Mojo-San!” Teriyaki said, bowing as best he could. It was hard being a cripple.

            “I bring grave news, Teriyaki. There is a war upon us.” Mojo Jojo said with a sigh.

            “What war, sir?” Teriyaki questioned. “I would be honored to fight for the Ninja clan.”

            “We are fighting those disgusting mongrels of the sea… PIRATES! UGH!” Mojo Jojo spat.

            “They have captured our strongest warriors, and we must attack! We will show no mercy!” Mojo cried, jumping into the air and laughing in a very monkey-like manner.

            “Now, Teriyaki, you must come with me to the Ninja clan capital where the war rally has begun, and then, at sunrise, we attack the sea-bearing scoundrels!” With this said, Mojo Jojo disappeared in a puff of smoke, which is the only way that real ninjas transport themselves. Teriyaki did the same. If only the finest warriors could have thought of that before they were captured… but they were too stupid.

            Teriyaki reached the capital, and was immediately overcome by its awesomeness. There were thousands of ninjas surrounding him, all facing a podium upon which Mojo Jojo was standing. Behind him, there was a large banner with a pirate face on it, and there was a large ‘x’ over the pirate.

            “WE MUST DESTROY THE PIRATES!” Mojo Jojo screeched, raising a fist into the air. A banana covered in ninja stars was clutched in his hand.

            “YEAHHH!!” The ninjas cried, brandishing their ninja stars.

            “WE MUST SEND THEIR ARR-ING BUTTS TO DAVEY JONES’ LOCKER WHRE THEY BELONG!”

            “YEAHHH!!” Teriyaki wheeled his way through the crowd, pushing ninjas aside with his tongue. He wanted to show them all that he could be just as good a warrior as a ninja with legs.

            “WE MUST-” Suddenly, Mojo Jojo was interrupted. The crowd became silent, and a rumbling filled the air. Teriyaki looked to the horizon as the rumbling got louder.

            And then, the pirates came over the ridge. They had raised their flag, and were charging with their cutlasses poised above their heads, and their peg legs clacking against the ground.

            “IT’S THEMMM!” A ninja shrieked, and Mojo Jojo leapt into action.

            “ALRIGHT, NINJAS! SHOW THEM NO MERCY! ATTACK!” And like a giant black wave, the ninjas ran forward.

            It was like two pregnant women fighting over a purse… on steroids. The ninjas were jumping all around, disappearing in puffs of smoke and throwing ninja stars everywhere. The pirates were slashing wildly with their cutlasses, and the parrots were snapping at the ninja’s heels. It was a fierce battle.

            Angelina oozed along the ground, shaking back and forth as her blubber knocked ninjas unconscious. With a guttural roar, she managed to leap high into the air like a cannonball, her shadow covering a good 99% of the ninjas.

            “THAR SHE BLOWS, MATEYS!” Captain Feathersword screamed as his fat daughter began to fall. With this command, the pirates immediately evacuated the area, leaving the ninjas alone beneath the behemoth shadow. The ninjas gave terrified shouts, and tried to run for cover. Apparently, when ninjas are under pressure, they can’t transport themselves through puffs of smoke.

            As Angelina fell through the air, Teriyaki was busy fighting off a few pirates. He had caught their knives on his tongue, balancing them before throwing them back into their hearts. And then, he saw the blubber hanging in the atmosphere.

            “It’s a bird… it’s a plane… IT’S BEAUTIFUL!” He screamed, wheeling over to the giant shadow. Sticking out his tongue, he held it aloft, Angelina falling fast. And then, she fell upon his tongue.

            Teriyaki was almost flung into the ground due to the weight, but since he had years of training with tongue weight-lifting, it didn’t hurt too bad.

            “Uh muf nao yoy nuhh!” He garbled, as Angelina’s rolls flopped out onto the pavement. Luckily, all the ninjas had been able to escape, except for one really old ninja, he had gotten lost in the folds. Then, 15 years later, he emerged, with a pet dog named Howard.  

            “What?” Angelina asked as she dangled in the air. Teriyaki slowly dropped her down to the ground and massaged his tongue which had gone through a lot today.

“What is your name, you glistening tear of the sun?” he asked, bowing to the fat woman in front of him.

“Umm… Angelina the Parottless? Why do you ask?” she said, a tad confused.

“You are the most beautiful thing I have seen, Angelina, even though you are a pirate. Let’s get married!” Teriyaki cried.

Angelina then realized that she loved him, too. She got goosebumps, even though she didn’t even know his name.

“What’s your name?” She asked.

“Teriyaki Saki.” He said, with a bow.

“What a beautiful name… it sounds like butterflies on a sweet, succulent pot roast.” Angelina was getting hungry. She had to contain herself.

“Why, thank you, you beautiful, fiery, chub-cup!” Teriyaki said with a wink, causing Angelina to giggle.

“ANGELINA?! WHAT IS THIS?!” The two lovers looked up to see Captain Feathersword storming towards them, all fighting stopped at the moment.

“Daddy, this is my fiancée, Teriyaki Saki! I met him 5 minutes ago, but I love him!” Angelina protested.

“We’re in love, and we’re gonna get married!” She cried, and her father’s face turned purple with rage.

“How DARE you?! The Ninja clan and the Pirate clan are not allowed to mingle, much less get married! I forbid it!” Captain Feathersword cried, brandishing his sword.

“I will kill your crippled ninja boyfriend, for he is a disgrace towards the name of pirates!”

“No, STOP!” Teriyaki screamed. Everyone looked at him.

“This fighting must end! Why do the Ninjas and Pirates hate each other so?” Teriyaki demanded.

“Yeah, what’s with this rivalry? I don’t get it, Daddy! What did they ever do to us? I think the Ninjas are a proud and honorable clan!” Angelina cried. Mojo piped up from the crowd,

“I think I can explain our rivalry!” He jumped over to where the lovers (and Captain Feathersword) stood.

“You see, thousands of years ago, our ancestors, The One Ninja and The One Pirate were playing cards. The Ninja won, of course, but The Pirate accused him of cheating. From then on, the Ninjas and Pirates have detested each other.” He explained.

“See? This is foolish! This war must end at once!” Teriyaki cried.

“No! This war must never end! The Pirates will win! We’ll win, I say!” Captain Feathersword screamed.

“Have it your way, then!” Teriyaki said, and with a single slash of his tongue, Captain Feathersword’s head was rolling around on the ground. Angelina ate it. It tasted like chicken fat.  

“The war is over!” Mojo Jojo cried, and there were cheers all around. Teriyaki and Angelina shared a passionate kiss, although Teriyaki was almost inhaled into Angelina’s whale-like mouth.

“I’m going to, like, sing a song to celebrate this fabulous victory!” Adam Lambert cried, and busted out with ‘We Are The Champions’.

“WWEEEE ARREEE THE CHAMPIONS, MYY FRIENDDDSSS! AND WE’LL KEEP ON FIGHTINGGG TILL THE ENDDDDD!”

“No, no, stop, stop. That was HORRIBLE!” A voice said. Adam’s head whipped around. It was SIMON.

“That’s it. I can’t take it anymore! HENRY! EAT HIM!” The British man screamed.

Huge, purple tentacles wrapped around Adam’s body.

“OH EHM GEE! IT’S HENRY THE OCTOPUS! NOOO!” Adam screeched, his voice so high that the dogs within a 10 mile radius exploded.

And then, he was dragged into the ocean.

“Good riddance.” Simon said.

In the end, Angelina and Teriyaki were married in Teriyaki’s dojo, and had thousands of chubby little crippled big-tongued children. The Ninjas and Pirates never fought, and all was well.

Until the zombies attacked.

THE END!